In total transparency, self-love has always been a struggle for me.
I’ve come to learn that the story I carry is one of “I’m not good enough,” and this is something I’ve been working on and working through, realistically, for the past 15 or so years.
I also consider myself a recovering people pleaser, and while my intentions may have always been pure, you know to “not upset people” or “to not let them down,” I learned many years ago that not setting boundaries, on my end, will only lead to a breakdown (on my end).
And I share all of this because, despite the way that things may seem through social media or despite the way things may seem when I step into the role of holding space as a teacher, self-love is still something that I admittedly struggle with. And while I’ve come a LONG, LONG way over the last 15 years (mainly in part to a good therapist & my yoga practice), I oftentimes notice myself still a little bit resistant to that practice of self-love.
Metta (commonly translated as “loving-kindness”) Meditation is something I’ve practiced and taught before, but it’s not something I practice with regularity (again, there’s that whole resistance part). Well, until now, that is. Now as I write this I’m committed to this practice of self-love as well as loving-kindness towards all others. Which part is more challenging?? I don’t really know. But as the saying goes, “How can we really know what it means to feel love and compassion for another if we don’t know how that feels for ourselves?”.
Now, this isn’t to say that we can’t love someone else if we don’t completely love ourselves. That’s a bit extreme. Instead, in my opinion, I feel like it’s inferring that self-love has a direct relationship with quality of life. And the more love and compassion we can express & experience for ourselves, the more love & compassion we’ll be able to authentically express for others. A stronger relationship with ourselves will only enhance all of the other relationships we’re in. And if there are relationships (and I’m not just talking romantic here, but any interaction/relationship with another human) that drain you or dampen you or no longer serve, then maybe through this awareness & experience of that self-love, compassion & self-respect, you can let that relationship go, and with a loving heart, still wish them well.
“Do no harm, but take no shit” kinda stuff. Gentle and compassionate, yet also aware and tuned in. Softening the edges that block us from real connection but also recognizing that the edges serve a purpose too, because self-love & loving kindess are not the same as compliance & passivity.
So let’s use people pleasing, for example, while you could maybe argue it’s done in loving kindness towards another, it’s also often done in disservice to oneself. That giving, that “yes” is then not truly authentic, not coming from a place of love, so really, a disservice to you both. Like most things in life, a balance (and not to mention a forever practice) but the concept of loving kindness always comes back to & begins with that self-love.
As intimate and as nourishing as the breath: Receiving & giving, giving & receiving. One can’t exist without the other. Sustainable because the two support one another, the giving and receiving both equally as important for cultivating a love that fuels the world.
If you’re intrigued, maybe you’ll join me in a regular metta meditation practice as well. Below I share some informative & interesting links explaining the why & how of metta meditation as well as some research articles citing the benefits & effects on anxiety, depression, quality of life, and social connection.
May I be happy, healthy, safe, and may I live with ease.
May you be happy, healthy, safe, and may you live with ease.
May all beings be happy, healthy, safe, and live with ease.
A love that fuels the world.
♡
SOURCES + MORE READING
Metta Meditation: A Complete Guide to Loving Kindness on LionsRoar.com
Loving Kindness Starts with You by Josh Korda
When Goodwill is Better than Love: The Meaning of “Metta” by Thanissaro Bhikkhu
Metta Meditation: The Benefits, The Science Behind It, & How to Do It by Leigh Fisher, LMSW
18 Science-Backed Reasons to Try Loving-Kindness Meditation by Emma Seppälä, Ph.D.